Painful Putatan; My hometown.

This entry a bit gloomy  or might I say E-M-O type. Dont read if you get used to the happy chitty-chat version of Dayz. I am not always in that mode.

I had blurry eyes as I drive through our little old house in Putatan. Saya asyik pandang kanan, sebab tak mahu pandang that little house. Bila saya pandang, saya nampak diri saya berlari-lari di sana. Bila saya pandang, saya nampak saya bermain di parit menangkap ikan. Itu yang saya nampak. That WAS looongg ago. So damn long. Maybe 20 years ago.

Why I keep avoiding to Putatan? Is that, when I am there, I was brought to my bad memory. The painful one. Seeing a family crashed down.  Seeing my uncle gone. I had no reason to be there, anymore. My family, my grandpa, and even my born-place house, semuanya tiada.

All this Putatan' family  stuff is just better be off our my head. It's haunting not just me, but the whole family. Bila saya nampak rumah aunti, saya terkenang kali akhir uncle's body' there. Motionless. Saya hilang kata tapi harus pull myself together.

Saya selalu begitu. Saya tidak mahu orang lihat walau setitik airmata saya tumpah. People barely seen me cry.And when asked, why you hate her so much. I do not hate, I just do not love. I remembered every single word she said. Tiap-tiap patah. How can I forget??! NEVER.

And that is why I hate to see my little niece, Ayu. She reminds me a lot of pacik. Pernah sekali, I met her 3 years ago. She's two at that time. I hold her, and show the photos in shelf, introducing to her uncles and I was speechless when I reached pacik' photo. Saya taktahu nak kata apa. 'Ayu, ini nenek Ayu. Dia tiada sudah, tapi kalau dia masih ada, dia pasti paling sayang Ayu.' T_T Begitu??

Ahh sudah. Emosi kau ni melampau sudah. Tengah memandu pergi kerja pun nangis. Be strong, Dayah. Pleasee lah, macik kereta belakang tu mau hon kau sudah tu, kalau pun mau nangis pergilah pakai shade. Emosiiii.

Terus part minta jalan masuk simpang terus kena bagi chance jalan sama kereta lain, pasti mereka ingat saya nangis minta jalan T_T Takpayah nangis, dik. Ni hah, abang bagi jalan dulu, lap air mata tu, maskara eye liner eye shadow semua habis meleleh, buruk. Spoil mood abang saja pagi-pagi ni.

Last year, saya jumpa Ayu lagi. Tuhan saja tahu gejolak hati saya. I was looking at that naughty girl, she resembles somebody in a glance. At last, someone' bagitau saya dan mum yang itu  Ayu. She's a big girl now, wajah saling tak tumpah macam mummy dia ketika kami kecil =) Mum's crying.

Saya tahu kenapa. Ayu asyik lari bila mum peluk, saya pun. Ingin sangat hold dia kuat-kuat, lepas rindu terpendam selama ini. Kalau pacik masih ada, kami semua pasti masih bersama. Dan, Ayu takkan ignore kami as a stranger. Tentulah mum sedih, Ayu cucu pertama dia, anak buah saya. It should not be like this. We're her family, she should know us better than other. Who's to blame?? No one. Kita semua hanya lah manusia biasa, berjalan atas takdir yang telah di tulis. Maka, redha dan bersyukurlah atas apa yang terjadi.

Jadi, kesatlah air mata kau, Dayah. Asyik tsk tsk saja dari tadi.

Sudahhh--. Tutup entri ini. Jangan tanya saya lagi. Saya disable comment part. DILARANG BERTANYA, kerana ianya hanya akan mengundang luka di hati kecil saya. Ekekeke~

My heart?? Na'ah, not for sale.